I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
