One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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