there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
