so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize