There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
