Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
