i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
