there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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