i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Pants 0. Shit 1.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
