he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
