im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She bit a glass in half.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
