I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were destined to go to rehab together
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
