Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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