im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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