That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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