I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
