i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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