Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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