you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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