my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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