my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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