Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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