Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize