I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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