Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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