People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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