Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
