i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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