either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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