Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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