It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
