totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
