We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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