your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
this is an emotional support booty call
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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