winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
