Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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