I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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