I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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