Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
so let's talk penis.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she peed on how many people?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
