while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
