a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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