Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
