I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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