Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
