u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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