if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
