Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
