The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
