just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize