He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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