I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
