It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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