I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
