I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
