I am puke
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
