She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
