Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
