Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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