The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize