Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
