I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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