Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
